A question came in from a regular reader, and thought this Friday we’d initiate a new feature: the Readers Roundtable. I don’t like to be the only voice when it comes to the effective Corporal Punishment of adult boys, so I will open up the discussion as much as we can via comments, additions from emails you send in to me here, and then of course, adding as many links to other blogposts that provide insight.
Funny, but you’re asking an adult boy this question. That makes answering you truthfully a little difficult! LOL
In the short run, I’d immediately direct you to a few of the key blogposts about this, particularly from the Daddys here who guest blog on Cornertime Confidential. (I’ll put those links at the bottom of the post I do on this).
I’m going to steal your question here and make a full post about your question.
Let’s start off by considering the key problems you are facing as a Daddy, who presumably loves his boy, but is frustrated by behaviour your having trouble managing:
1. It’s useful to try to control an adult boy. I think all little boys like me have a difficult time with “control.” If you take the “control him” approach to discipline, you’ll probably lose out.
2. In my experience, the boy whose Daddy “lays down the law” quickly finds the law getting negotiated. Try a more productive approach by focusing on consequences
, not walls. Rules are boundaries, not prison bars. Start by setting down Rules that will work for you guys; Rules which when broken have actual consequences that he agrees to ahead of time.
3. If he refuses to agree to Rules, then turn to him and ask, “Would you prefer the Silent Treatment? Would you prefer we take a break and stop hanging out together? Are you seriously just trying to get out of this relationship?” If he answers in the affirmative, you might try a surprise response: “Well, that’s not what I want. I do not want that in our relationship, and as your Daddy I feel it’s my job to disabuse you of this notion.” Then order him to stand up, and then take him to somewhere where you sit him down in a shameful space, like The Corner or send him to his room or better yet, march him to his room. ONce there, if you decide against putting him in The Corner, sit him down on the bed, and look him square in the eye. Begin by enumerating what he’s been doing that’s unacceptable.
Now let’s break your situation down, problem-by-problem:
Manners are tricky. So long as this isn’t a class thing, like you’re from a middle class background, and he’s from a poor town in coal country (in which case you may need to adjust your expectations a bit!), manners can be dealt with through both simple, spoken and unspoken humiliation techniques. My Daddy does this regularly with me, because he disapproves of me hogging conversation, sneezing or coughing then grabbing food, reaching for food when it’s not my turn, etc. His primary one is grabbing my hand (in front of others and “toss it” out of the way), or he’ll say, “Put that down!” in front of others even in public. It’s very effective.
Language is complicated, because in real time, most adults (including adult boys!) freely curse—to wit: Dick “the F word” Cheney, Donald Trump on a daily basis, and the rest. So, you might want to start out with some “no-go” words. For example, express that you understand that cursing happens, but that you expect more from your boys, “From now on when you curse, I’m going to keep tabs on it. Curse words will include x, y, and z. If you curse, here’s what we’ll do to handle it.” Then you might consider escalating punishments, based on effort. So, initially, being sent to his room. If it continues, Cornertime in the living room or kitchen. If that doesn’t stop it, then washing his mouth out with soap. Then the paddle. Any logical escalation approach will work. If the paddle isn’t the right motivator, use whatever is the right motivator.
Bad behaviour is in the eye of the beholder. For some, mouthing off about the president is OK, for others, it’s not allowed. For some, throwing something at the T.V. during the evening news is OK, for others, it’s an immediate removal of T.V. privileges. So, blend the acceptable with what your groundrules are, given who you are as people. If there were single standards of conduct vis-a-vis behaviour, then this would be so much easier to deal with!
Disobedience (general or specific, the punishment matters!)
So this is a no-go area. Immediate corporal punishment is usually the solution in our house. I am very careful about being disobedient in front of Daddy. If your boy is openly defiant and/or disobedient, you need to do a few simple things:
- Set down a short list of simple Rules in discussion wiht your boy.
- Post them on the fridge or in his room or on the bathroom mirror.
- Leave out the paddle that he will be Spanked with if he openly disobeys you. Put a sticky note on it, saying, “For Disobedience.” Or some other Behinder Reminder
I think you’ll be happy if you diversify your CP and non-CP offerings when it comes to getting this rising behaviour problem under control. Remember: there are no bad boys, only bad behaviours. Since even good boys behave badly, god himself has provided you the tools to handle that problem. Something about a rod and correcting…I can’t recall precisely, but it’s in there somewhere!
So in the end, the most valuable takeaway here is probably that you need to begin the discussion today! Don’t wait. Most adult boys are really waiting for you to realistically start the ball rolling. They hate having to do this themselves. Most of us want boundaries, but so few of us have a Daddy who can really set up a framework for building a better relationship through Corporal Punishment and non-Spanking punishments.Use your instincts. Know your boy. Then set your new, better life in motion!
We’re all here, us here at The Cornertime Crew, cheering you on!
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